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I remember that Hahn once said: Don't write down anything I say. Just listen.
After my father died, a year after John, I found his notebook of his work for John's creative writing classes. He took the class in 1983-1984. I was nine. My father's notebook is about two inches thick and contains every scrap of paper that had anything to do with the class. There's a years worth of dream interpretations; poems and short stories; handouts; and extremely detailed notes of John's lectures. His handwriting is very tiny and, like my own, the letters join together making the words unintelligible. It's going to take me a while to decode what he wrote. But the following I have managed to work out. Lecture 1-31-83 Abstract---divorced from physical reality [a happy face] All look at same world, but all see it differently Ignorance is the grease of civilization most people want an easy life and use the "grease" to alleviate problems---never say what they're thinking Life is not a popularity game---people who communicate [unknown] aren't very popular with others Popularity is the name of non-communication---being vague The truth hurts---lies don't Telling the truth is a full time job People talk like newspapers and TV/parrot media jargon and cliches If you are not reacting to emotions, you are not a human being
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Rio Hondo College is caught between a dump and a graveyard. That means something. Things like that aren't accidents.
If your boyfriend or husband is into Playboy, get down on your knees and thank them. There are much worse, horrifying sick things out there---like women being put through meat grinders. Playboy is so tame and safe. Years ago, I would go home from work at night and sit at my desk with a gun. I would try to think of a reason not to kill myself. Teaching was the only thing keeping me going. Every intelligent, creative person has contemplated suicide in their lives. If suicide is so wrong, why have some of the most intelligent, greatest minds have killed themselves. We praise Hemingway's writings and say he's a genius, but because he killed himself we dismiss it because we think it's wrong. He didn't think it was wrong. He thought it was the most intelligent thing to do. This is not me. What you see is a performance. In my office, I'm a different person. We all perform different roles. Be careful about mixing them up. Tom Robbins has written some amazing, beautiful novels about women, with an insight that most men don't have. And women would line up to fuck him because they assume he's just as empathetic and insightful as his novels. Never mix up the art work with the person. Tom Robbins could be a huge asshole. You don't know. He is not his novels. This is another handout I reconstructed. It was written by Shelly Kopp, author of Guru: Metaphors from a Psychotherapist. Retyping it made me realize that I should still have it on my wall. There are 43 things on the list. When Hahn discussed the list in class, there were nine things he had us star as particularly important. I'll give those now, and add a pdf of the entire list. 5. Nothing lasts! 17. There are no great men. 18. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way. 19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself). 25. Childhood is a nightmare. 27. Each of us is ultimately alone. 36. You can run, but you can't hide. 38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness. 43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. 
I took six semesters with John Hahn: four creative writing classes, Masterpieces of World Lit, The Short Story and an creative writing independent study in which I wrote a novella. It was called Cassidy Dante and his advice was, put it away for five years, and then see what you have. I did and didn't much care what I had by that point.
All his classes followed a basic formula. He had us all arrange the chairs in a circle: we had to face one another. (All facing one way, toward the front, helped isolate ourselves and forget we're around human beings---exactly why going to the movies is an absurd idea for a date). He would sit on a table at the front of the class. He always wore t-shirts and jeans and always had a mug of tea. My father said he would sit in the yoga position, or have everyone sit on the floor. He would start his lectures, sometimes it would be about the material we were to cover, sometimes he'd just start professing. I knew people who adored him, worshipped him and hated him. He had devoted students and students who complained about him. I believe that Rio brought in a second instructor to teach Creative Writing for people who wanted an alternative to Hahn. I had that instructor for a class---I gave her rebellious shit like a sixteen year old. I never knew him outside class. I never talked to him in his office about anything other than classwork. It was partly from fear and partly from a desire to make him into a colossus. I suppose if I had been closer, I would've stayed in contact all this time and had known more of the particulars about his death. I could've told him about all the professors I had and how they didn't know how to teach creativity, but were good at teaching formulas. About how many writers I knew were terrified of themselves and fell into cliches because they couldn't look at themselves. As Hahn would say, All we can write about is ourselves. If we write about serial killers or child molesters, we are writing about the killers and molesters within ourselves. All we know is ourselves, and since none of us really know anything about ourselves, most of what we know is wrong. Oddly, I prefer not knowing the personal details. I needed, and still need, the Colossus at Rio Hondo.  "Reading The New Yorker will make you smarter."
Hahn always had some sort of reading recommendation. In Masterpieces of world lit, we read excerpts from Leaves of Grass (something he also quoted often). He suggested that we read all of it (as it is one of the most important documents in literature) out loud in the bathroom. Just keep a copy in there and read aloud during visits. I actually did it. It really is amazing to hear out loud in good acoustics. So I recommend it, too.  Hahn often said, read e.e. cummings from cover to cover, over and over, and you will learn all you need to know about life.
One of John's frequent handouts was a page of scattered quotes. Some had no attribution, which was his style. He assured the class that this page had the answer to any question we had about life. I suppose I agreed as I still have my original. My original isn't in the best condition; it has many holes where I pinned it to bulletin boards multiple times. I decided to form my own copy of it (good in case I lose mine). I have tried to repeat the way he angled the quotes on the page.
One of the few handouts he gave us. A poem entitled Listen, author unknown.
i no longer plead with heaven or go rummaging in books for answers to the questions life contains now i listen listen listen to this inner thing resounding in the pulsing and the pounding of my infant ancient veins. i no longer seek instruction from my father and mother i have mastered all their pleasures and their pain no i listen listen listen to this inner thing resounding in the pulsing and the pounding of my infant ancient veins the feeling in my bloodflow is a simple thing y'see everything and nothing in the parody is me i'm the hero i'm the villain the beginning and the end i'm creator i'm destroyer i'm the enemy the friend i'm an animal a spirit flying high and falling down i am special i'm important i am sacred i am a clown so i stumble through the chaos dragging clumsily behind me all the eggshells and the fish scales and the fur pelts of my past while this thing goes on inside me at one with all the vastness the fantasies and fictions and when all the contradictions come together come together they will fit the feeling in my bloodflow is a simple thing y'see i am it i am it we are everything and nothing but that's how to play the game in these weather beaten bodies with these god forsaken brains we can listen listen listen to the universe resounding in the pulsing and the pounding of our infant ancient veins listen listen listen and it all begins to fit you are it you are it My father said that when he took Hahn's class during the 80s, Hahn would always sit in the lotus position on the table at the head of the class. When I took his classes he refused to use a podium and sat on the table. He had all the chairs in the room formed into a circle so we could look at each other.
My father also said that John would bring a ouija board to class for the students to use as an exercise. There were many student complaints so the tradition had to stop. Another quote: "If you don't like your own writing, why should you expect anyone else to." A quote, related to the above: "If you can't make your self orgasm, why should you expect anyone else to." If you have any regrets, you have wasted your life. |
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